"Navigating the Feelings of Those with ADD and ADHD"
By Abby Walker, Chairman of the ADD and ADHD Group
Note from the author: Recently I have been reading some great articles about situations that offend people who have ADD/ADHD. Each article has spoken to me in many ways as I have combined-type ADHD. The best article I read was from BuzzFeed and is titled "11 Things You Should Never Say to Someone With ADHD" (see link below). I thought that I would write my own article on the subject for the benefit of your relationship with your sibling(s). Please remember these tips and responses to common questions when talking to someone with ADD/ADHD.
“Did you take your medicine today?
Here’s the thing…People with ADD/ADHD know they have it and they also know that they can’t control it. So if you ask them if they took their medicine, it can be very offensive. Regardless of whether or not they took their medicine, these can be very hurtful words - especially if they DID take their medicine which could cause someone to enter a mode of instant self-consciousness. I’ve been in this situation before and what really hurts is that someone was obviously prompted by my actions to ask me that. I can’t control what I do. My ADHD is a part of my personality, it is a part of me, and when someone asks me this, they are basically telling me they don’t like my personality.
“It’s not that hard to just focus.”
That statement is easy for someone to say – especially if they don’t have ADHD. People with ADHD struggle to focus. The best way I can explain the mindset of someone with ADHD when it comes to focusing is to picture their brain like a window. In someone without ADHD, that window can open and close. However, in someone with ADHD, that window is constantly open and cannot shut. When these windows are open, information in going in and out. This information can be what your senses detect around you, what you’re reading, what you’re learning in school, anything. When these windows are constantly open, your brain is trying to process a million facts at the same time and it can be extremely difficult to pay attention to one, single detail.
“ADHD isn’t real.”
When I read or hear someone say this, the teenage girl in me immediately goes “OMG SRSLY THTS NOT COOL BECUZ #YOUDONTKNOWME AND #YOUDONTKNOWMYLIFE.” Okay, maybe my inner thoughts aren’t in text lingo, but they are similar. That statement is hurtful. Your sibling struggles daily with ADHD in ways that most people will never experience. So the fact that there are skeptical people out there just make me emotional. Believe me, those of us with ADHD wish it wasn’t real. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but to those who say this, I have two questions:
1.) What med school did you graduate from? I only ask because I’m curious as to what credentials you have that make you an expert on a ‘fake’ disorder.
2.) Do you want to tell the many doctors that diagnosed me, or should I? Because it’s weird that all of these educated individuals that have dedicated their life to ADHD would believe so strongly in something fictional.
“Calm down.”
No. You calm down. Your sibling tries their absolute hardest to be as ‘normal’ as possible. When they can’t settle down or focus, they don’t need someone to say “calm down” because they’re constantly trying to. They don’t need a reminder. As the BuzzFeed article explains, “Telling anyone to calm down is a guaranteed way not to get anyone to calm down.” I think that we can all agree with that, like #SoTrue, Retweet, Like, Favorite, Comment, Emoji hands doing the “Praise it!”
“Everyone is a little ADHD.”
No. Nope. Nuh-uh. Never. Just no. Not even. While it is true that everyone has trouble sitting still or focusing from time to time, it is NOT true that everyone has ADHD. If you think that you or someone other than your sibling has ADHD, then I recommend seeing a psychiatrist or a neurologist to get a proper diagnosis. However, if that is NOT one of your concerns, then don’t worry about it. On this statement, BuzzFeed compares it to saying that the same would go for depression because everyone gets sad - and we obviously know that’s not entirely true.
“My brother’s friend’s sibling’s dog’s pet sitter has ADHD so I totally understand.”
The attempt to understand someone with ADHD is very admirable; however, this is not always the approach you want to take. It’s in your best interest to not say the statement above. Unless you have or are very close to someone with ADHD, people with ADHD are going to think that you are either mocking them or being insincere.
“How could you forget that?”
Pretty easily, actually. Remember what I said about the windows? When your window is wide open, it’s easy for information to be carried out by the wind and out of your mind. Your sibling can’t help being forgetful. It happens. If you truly care and wish to prevent the frequency of this, try giving your sibling simple reminders. But remember, being pushy isn’t the answer. Think: friendly reminder.
“I think I’m ADHD, too.”
In these situations, people with ADHD don’t know what to say. Let’s be honest, what are they supposed to say? Congratulations? I’m sorry? That sucks? If you TRULY think that you may have ADHD, I would tell your parents, guardians, and your doctor. Just because your sibling has ADHD doesn’t mean he or she is qualified to diagnose you properly.
“Can I borrow or buy some of your meds?”
Out of the question. The only reason your sibling has that medication is that they ACTUALLY NEED IT. To be completely honest, I don’t even know why I am dignifying this one with a response because it is wrong on so many levels. Drug abuse is a dangerous path to go down.
“You can’t have ADHD, you’re too smart!”
While the compliment is nice, it’s not really okay to say. Your sibling has to work at least twice as hard as their classmates to get to that point. They have to do extra work to learn. If you think they’re really smart, then tell them that! Don’t tell them that they’re too smart for ADHD because that is an offensive stereotype.
I know I can be rather sassy on this subject but it just goes to show the amount of passion I have for this cause. I’m sure that when it comes to your own sibling, you wouldn’t say most of these statements but it is good to understand these tips if your sibling hears these statements from someone else. If you wish to read the BuzzFeed article, I have included the link below.
Works Cited:
Hendrix, Morgan. "Community Post: 11 Things You Should Never Say To Someone With ADHD." BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed Community, 1 Apr. 2014. Web. 20 July 2015. www.buzzfeed.com/loudtallblonde/11-things-you-should-never-say-to-someone-with-adh-n6v4#.fwXnvvw5G
Siblings with a Mission is an international organization established to serve and support siblings of individuals with special needs. All images are found on Google images and are solely used for education purposes. The stories and advice provided by Siblings with a Mission are not to be replaced by professional advice and counseling but to be considered as an additional source of support.
By Abby Walker, Chairman of the ADD and ADHD Group
Note from the author: Recently I have been reading some great articles about situations that offend people who have ADD/ADHD. Each article has spoken to me in many ways as I have combined-type ADHD. The best article I read was from BuzzFeed and is titled "11 Things You Should Never Say to Someone With ADHD" (see link below). I thought that I would write my own article on the subject for the benefit of your relationship with your sibling(s). Please remember these tips and responses to common questions when talking to someone with ADD/ADHD.
“Did you take your medicine today?
Here’s the thing…People with ADD/ADHD know they have it and they also know that they can’t control it. So if you ask them if they took their medicine, it can be very offensive. Regardless of whether or not they took their medicine, these can be very hurtful words - especially if they DID take their medicine which could cause someone to enter a mode of instant self-consciousness. I’ve been in this situation before and what really hurts is that someone was obviously prompted by my actions to ask me that. I can’t control what I do. My ADHD is a part of my personality, it is a part of me, and when someone asks me this, they are basically telling me they don’t like my personality.
“It’s not that hard to just focus.”
That statement is easy for someone to say – especially if they don’t have ADHD. People with ADHD struggle to focus. The best way I can explain the mindset of someone with ADHD when it comes to focusing is to picture their brain like a window. In someone without ADHD, that window can open and close. However, in someone with ADHD, that window is constantly open and cannot shut. When these windows are open, information in going in and out. This information can be what your senses detect around you, what you’re reading, what you’re learning in school, anything. When these windows are constantly open, your brain is trying to process a million facts at the same time and it can be extremely difficult to pay attention to one, single detail.
“ADHD isn’t real.”
When I read or hear someone say this, the teenage girl in me immediately goes “OMG SRSLY THTS NOT COOL BECUZ #YOUDONTKNOWME AND #YOUDONTKNOWMYLIFE.” Okay, maybe my inner thoughts aren’t in text lingo, but they are similar. That statement is hurtful. Your sibling struggles daily with ADHD in ways that most people will never experience. So the fact that there are skeptical people out there just make me emotional. Believe me, those of us with ADHD wish it wasn’t real. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but to those who say this, I have two questions:
1.) What med school did you graduate from? I only ask because I’m curious as to what credentials you have that make you an expert on a ‘fake’ disorder.
2.) Do you want to tell the many doctors that diagnosed me, or should I? Because it’s weird that all of these educated individuals that have dedicated their life to ADHD would believe so strongly in something fictional.
“Calm down.”
No. You calm down. Your sibling tries their absolute hardest to be as ‘normal’ as possible. When they can’t settle down or focus, they don’t need someone to say “calm down” because they’re constantly trying to. They don’t need a reminder. As the BuzzFeed article explains, “Telling anyone to calm down is a guaranteed way not to get anyone to calm down.” I think that we can all agree with that, like #SoTrue, Retweet, Like, Favorite, Comment, Emoji hands doing the “Praise it!”
“Everyone is a little ADHD.”
No. Nope. Nuh-uh. Never. Just no. Not even. While it is true that everyone has trouble sitting still or focusing from time to time, it is NOT true that everyone has ADHD. If you think that you or someone other than your sibling has ADHD, then I recommend seeing a psychiatrist or a neurologist to get a proper diagnosis. However, if that is NOT one of your concerns, then don’t worry about it. On this statement, BuzzFeed compares it to saying that the same would go for depression because everyone gets sad - and we obviously know that’s not entirely true.
“My brother’s friend’s sibling’s dog’s pet sitter has ADHD so I totally understand.”
The attempt to understand someone with ADHD is very admirable; however, this is not always the approach you want to take. It’s in your best interest to not say the statement above. Unless you have or are very close to someone with ADHD, people with ADHD are going to think that you are either mocking them or being insincere.
“How could you forget that?”
Pretty easily, actually. Remember what I said about the windows? When your window is wide open, it’s easy for information to be carried out by the wind and out of your mind. Your sibling can’t help being forgetful. It happens. If you truly care and wish to prevent the frequency of this, try giving your sibling simple reminders. But remember, being pushy isn’t the answer. Think: friendly reminder.
“I think I’m ADHD, too.”
In these situations, people with ADHD don’t know what to say. Let’s be honest, what are they supposed to say? Congratulations? I’m sorry? That sucks? If you TRULY think that you may have ADHD, I would tell your parents, guardians, and your doctor. Just because your sibling has ADHD doesn’t mean he or she is qualified to diagnose you properly.
“Can I borrow or buy some of your meds?”
Out of the question. The only reason your sibling has that medication is that they ACTUALLY NEED IT. To be completely honest, I don’t even know why I am dignifying this one with a response because it is wrong on so many levels. Drug abuse is a dangerous path to go down.
“You can’t have ADHD, you’re too smart!”
While the compliment is nice, it’s not really okay to say. Your sibling has to work at least twice as hard as their classmates to get to that point. They have to do extra work to learn. If you think they’re really smart, then tell them that! Don’t tell them that they’re too smart for ADHD because that is an offensive stereotype.
I know I can be rather sassy on this subject but it just goes to show the amount of passion I have for this cause. I’m sure that when it comes to your own sibling, you wouldn’t say most of these statements but it is good to understand these tips if your sibling hears these statements from someone else. If you wish to read the BuzzFeed article, I have included the link below.
Works Cited:
Hendrix, Morgan. "Community Post: 11 Things You Should Never Say To Someone With ADHD." BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed Community, 1 Apr. 2014. Web. 20 July 2015. www.buzzfeed.com/loudtallblonde/11-things-you-should-never-say-to-someone-with-adh-n6v4#.fwXnvvw5G
Siblings with a Mission is an international organization established to serve and support siblings of individuals with special needs. All images are found on Google images and are solely used for education purposes. The stories and advice provided by Siblings with a Mission are not to be replaced by professional advice and counseling but to be considered as an additional source of support.
