"A Siblings' Suppressed Emotions"
By Kathryn McNamara
I felt invisible. As if I had disappeared and no one would notice. Why voice my opinion? I would ponder to myself. Why mingle if I were to just be rejected once again anyway? I was afraid to be a disappointment, a failure, and no matter what I thought....I was inferior. I was and still am my own worst critic.
I can remember there was a time I did not carry so much self-loathing and question my sense of self. However, even then I was uncertain. I was ideally whatever everyone else wanted me to be - but not actually Katie, who I truly am, myself.
I reminisce back to my childhood and teenage years. I grew up with an autistic twin brother. Even when I adjusted to him leaving home in 2008 for the first time and then being placed in residential care in 2009, I still sought approval by being an overachiever in all aspects of my life as a sister, a daughter, a student, and even an employee eventually. I visited my brother as often as possible, I had a great bond with my mother, I got off an IEP my freshman year of high school, I took honors classes (eventually A.P, only to regress to regular classes), and I attend community college now as an undecided major. Socially, I had friends; however, by no means was I popular, nor did I ever feel like I found my sense of belonging. Prior to my twin leaving home, I was social and I had friends. However, after my brother was placed in residential care, I felt abandoned. Yet, slowly and certainly I entered back into the world of socialization ever since beginning college.
The more I expected of myself, the more I was discouraged, disappointed, burned out, and let down. Even though I tried throughout all aspects, I felt I was a failure to everyone else. I blamed myself for my brother's situation. I wanted to be a better daughter. I also failed in my mind with my educational goals, and sometimes I think hopelessly about my future. Because I am a student that could devote hours to study for an exam, and still be on the borderline of failing (not including writing my emotional outlet that helps me communicate my isolation), as a student I believe I let myself down, and I also think that my failure could be viewed as I am not good enough to everyone around me. The overachiever mask I wore hid this for a long time, but I eventually hit rock bottom. An employee that tries her best, yet feels inadequate. A family member that sometimes thinks she let her family down.
Growing up as I had for years made me realize I am lost. In the last year I found myself, yet I still experience a lot of doubt. I classify myself as faithful, hopeful, and determined, and I know I want to make a difference. It is just difficult to battle the distortions that stop me from amounting to anything.
Siblings with a Mission is a non-profit, international organization established to serve and support siblings of individuals with special needs. All images are found on Google images and are solely used for education purposes. The stories and advice provided by Siblings with a Mission are not to be replaced by professional advice and counseling but to be considered as an additional source of support.
By Kathryn McNamara
I felt invisible. As if I had disappeared and no one would notice. Why voice my opinion? I would ponder to myself. Why mingle if I were to just be rejected once again anyway? I was afraid to be a disappointment, a failure, and no matter what I thought....I was inferior. I was and still am my own worst critic.
I can remember there was a time I did not carry so much self-loathing and question my sense of self. However, even then I was uncertain. I was ideally whatever everyone else wanted me to be - but not actually Katie, who I truly am, myself.
I reminisce back to my childhood and teenage years. I grew up with an autistic twin brother. Even when I adjusted to him leaving home in 2008 for the first time and then being placed in residential care in 2009, I still sought approval by being an overachiever in all aspects of my life as a sister, a daughter, a student, and even an employee eventually. I visited my brother as often as possible, I had a great bond with my mother, I got off an IEP my freshman year of high school, I took honors classes (eventually A.P, only to regress to regular classes), and I attend community college now as an undecided major. Socially, I had friends; however, by no means was I popular, nor did I ever feel like I found my sense of belonging. Prior to my twin leaving home, I was social and I had friends. However, after my brother was placed in residential care, I felt abandoned. Yet, slowly and certainly I entered back into the world of socialization ever since beginning college.
The more I expected of myself, the more I was discouraged, disappointed, burned out, and let down. Even though I tried throughout all aspects, I felt I was a failure to everyone else. I blamed myself for my brother's situation. I wanted to be a better daughter. I also failed in my mind with my educational goals, and sometimes I think hopelessly about my future. Because I am a student that could devote hours to study for an exam, and still be on the borderline of failing (not including writing my emotional outlet that helps me communicate my isolation), as a student I believe I let myself down, and I also think that my failure could be viewed as I am not good enough to everyone around me. The overachiever mask I wore hid this for a long time, but I eventually hit rock bottom. An employee that tries her best, yet feels inadequate. A family member that sometimes thinks she let her family down.
Growing up as I had for years made me realize I am lost. In the last year I found myself, yet I still experience a lot of doubt. I classify myself as faithful, hopeful, and determined, and I know I want to make a difference. It is just difficult to battle the distortions that stop me from amounting to anything.
Siblings with a Mission is a non-profit, international organization established to serve and support siblings of individuals with special needs. All images are found on Google images and are solely used for education purposes. The stories and advice provided by Siblings with a Mission are not to be replaced by professional advice and counseling but to be considered as an additional source of support.
